Depression: an evil, nasty word that no one will ever really understand what it means unless they've gone through it. How can you explain to someone that you don't want to take care of your kids? That it is necessary for your mental well-being for them to be at the babysitters 4-5 days a week. That as much as you love them, you can't take care of them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That your life a lot of days has no meaning, and that you really don't want to be here. And that your spouse/friends doesn't understand one iota of what you're feeling/going through and that you can't try to explain it anymore becaused it just drives you more batty the fact they doesn't understand. So what do I do? I eat. I escape into food. I hibernate. I don't go out much unless its to do errands, etc. I don't go visit my friends houses becaused I'm more comfortable in my own home when its dark out. I leave the curtains open as much as possible because I can't stand the darkness of the house, of being inside a jail (if that makes sense). I don't take all my kids out of the house at once because I don't feel capable of doing that. Drugs don't help me. They just keep my emotions very suppressed and I'd rather feel my ups and downs even though I feel guilty when I yell at the kids.
I'm at a point in my life where I think I'm over my depression. I'm getting used to the way my husband is after his accident. His brain will never be the same after being rearranged by the damn concussion; that is the hardest part of getting used to because his personality has changed big time. May God grant me patience!! I'm taking one day at a time. I'm being a better mother. I'm trying to appreciate my kids everyday and be thankful of them because they are a blessing!
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